Featured Shitty Opportunities
Senior Whatever Engineer
TechBro Startup Inc.
📍 Remote (but not really) | 💰 $0.50/hour + exposure | 🕐 Posted 2 minutes ago
"We're looking for a rockstar ninja guru with 10+ years experience in a technology that's only existed for 2 years. Must be willing to work 80-hour weeks for equity that will definitely totally be worth something someday."
Entry Level Position (15 Years Experience Required)
Corporate Hellscape LLC
📍 Middle of Nowhere | 💰 Competitive (lol) | 🕐 Posted yesterday
"Join our dynamic team where you'll wear 47 different hats! We're like a family here (meaning we'll guilt you into unpaid overtime and there will be way too much drama)."
Unpaid Internship for Your Dream Job
We Can't Afford Employees Co.
📍 On-site only | 💰 College credit + pizza on Fridays | 🕐 Posted 3 months ago
"Great opportunity to gain experience! You'll be doing the work of 3 full-time employees while we tell you it's a 'learning experience.' No coffee runs, we promise! (It's all coffee runs.)"
Pro Tips for Applying Like Shit
- Use the same generic cover letter for every job. Just do a find-and-replace on the company name (but forget to change it everywhere)
- List "proficient in Microsoft Word" as your top skill
- Include a photo of yourself from 2007 doing a duck face
- Use at least 3 different fonts in your resume - show off your Microsoft Word skills!
- Reference salary requirements in your cover letter, even when they specifically said not to
- Follow up 30 minutes after submitting with "did u get my resume???"
- Make sure your LinkedIn profile contradicts everything on your resume
- List "breathing" and "showing up (sometimes)" under core competencies
- End your cover letter with "u wont regret this" (definitely use "u" not "you")
- Apply for senior positions when you just graduated yesterday